Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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