dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
