dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
