The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
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she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
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High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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