1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
So many bounce houses so little time
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
