I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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