I look better un-naked...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
