Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
