next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
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Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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