from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
