I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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