if you like me you must not know who I am
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
you made out with another girl for some wings
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
wow bdsm is so cute
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
