We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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