I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
