I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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