woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.