i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
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If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
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it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk