Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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