You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
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I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
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Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize