keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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