he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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