I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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