I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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