I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
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I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
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I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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