LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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