This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
