i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize