On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Randomize
