god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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