i wish starbucks made bloody marys
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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