we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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