2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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