I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
