Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
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