I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
