Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
