i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
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Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
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