I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
