he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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