Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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