My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
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She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
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Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary