I think im going to throw up on grandma
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
