I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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