Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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