A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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