my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
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I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
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Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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