your parents love me but you hate me
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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