i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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