Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
