WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
