During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
