please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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