I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
