i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Never underestimate the power of titties
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
