I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
