the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
