i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
