if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
