Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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