Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
COCAINE IS GR8
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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