I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
